By: Kelsey Wooten, LPC
When someone begins counseling the therapist will often ask about relationships with family and what it was like growing up. Some are turned off by that, because they don’t see why it matters or that it doesn’t pertain to the issue at hand. However, our family relationships are our first ones. it’s where we learn about the world, how to communicate, and if we can trust others. That leads to how we interact with others throughout our lives.
What is attachment?
Attachment theory was created by John Bowlby and further researched by Mary Ainsworth.
Attachment begins when we are very young and rely on our caregivers to meet our needs (food, shelter, safety, connection, ect). If the caregivers are consistent with meeting the needs of a child, the child learns they can trust their caregiver and the world. However, if they caregiver is inconsistent or does not meet the needs (neglect or abuse) of the child, or experiences early separation, this teaches the child that they cannot trust their caregivers or the world. This has a lasting impact on how we view the world and connect with others.
Our caregivers attachment style also has an impact on ours. Did they know how to interact with a child and meet their needs and have the ability to tolerate emotion or physical touch / connection? Emotional inconsistency also impacts a child because they don’t know what to expect, which causes anxiety. This can happen when a parent themselves has experienced neglect or abuse, mental health issues, or under extreme stress.
What are they types of attachment?
There are four types of attachment. Secure and insecure (which is broken down into three types).
Secure – feel trusting of others and the world. Often has healthy relationships.
Anxious – is often concerned about being rejected, needs reassurance or can come off ‘clingy’ and afraid of being alone
Disorganized – wants to feel loved but has great fear around letting people in and thinks they will be hurt. This is often a person who will leave before being left
Avoidant – will often be closed off and not let others in, often does not have emotional intimacy
How does attachment show up in relationships?
Our attachment style reflects how we feel about vulnerability and connection with others. Do we trust others and feel safe to let our guard down and be intimate or do we fear that our partner will abandon or reject us? Do we feel as though we can get our needs met by asking our loved ones? Can we build connection with others or is there hyper-independence and lack of depth?
Can my attachment style change?
If you have an insecure attachment style there is hope. Your attachment style can change overtime as you work on your own ‘stuff’ in therapy and have healthy relationships with others who have a secure attachment style.
Do you know what your attachment style is?
If this is the first time you are hearing about attachment and want to know what you attachment style is you can take a free quiz and learn more here.
Want to learn more?
Books I often recommend to my clients:
Hold Me Tight By: Dr. Sue Johnson
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love By: Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy By: Eve Rickert and Jessica Fern