By: Kelsey Wooten, LPC,
When we have passionate debates around topics such as civil rights, race, religion, and politics things can get messy – we can misspeak, get the facts wrong, sound ignorant, or say something intentionally or unintentionally hurtful. When conflict causes damage to our relationship and it is not repaired or not properly cared for, it can lead to the breakdown or end of a significant relationship.
So how do we handle these situations with grace and compassion when someone we love or care for says something hurtful? First, make sure that it is the time and place for the conversation (the break room at lunchtime is not it). Second, practice monitoring your physical and emotional reactions as you discuss. Remember to breathe, take your time, AND LISTEN. Listening only for your turn to respond differs from listening to understand. Third, it is helpful to recognize what kinds of things trigger strong emotional reactions in you and ways to cope with them ahead of time.
During these talks, you may need to take a break if you become overwhelmed or notice yourself shutting down. This is usually the ‘make it or break it’ point because if someone does not communicate what is happening to them, it can be harmful. Yes – it is much easier to cut off the conversation, walk away, and decide to never talk about it again. However, this behavior can be incredibly damaging to your relationship because it causes the other person to not feel heard, seen, or understood. The best way to handle it is to say “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, can we talk about this at dinner tonight?” And then actually discuss at dinner. I know it is wildly uncomfortable when you want to RUN or hide, but you will grow as a person and deepen your connection if you see the conversation to completion or a good stopping point. With that being said, is it important to understand that not everyone is safe to have this kind of discourse with. If it is an unhealthy relationship or they are becoming verbally abusive or threatening, it is okay to set boundaries “please don’t speak to me that way or I will leave” and/or remove yourself to go somewhere safe.
During these discussions, things may become intense and the other person may have a powerful reaction to what you said. Keep your ears open and try to understand where they are coming from (i.e. empathy) and fight the urge to become defensive. Defensiveness is one of the quickest ways for a discussion to turn into an argument. If you interrupt, misspeak, or get something wrong, recognize it and apologize; and do so with grace. It’s okay to admit when you’re wrong. There are two parts to repairing a relationship, the first is the apology. For example “I’m sorry for X and in the future I will do Y instead.” The second part of repair is a behavior change that needs to follow. We have all experienced an apology that felt half-hearted, and they never followed through with what they said they would change or do. It is important to remember that you will never do perfectly and will probably stumble through it.
Depending on what has occurred, the other person may need time to process their thoughts and feelings, heal, or forgive. When you apologize, it is important to remember that they do not owe you forgiveness. You should take time afterward to reflect on what went well, what didn’t, and learn from it. Being honest, engaging in conflict, and apologizing are hard to do. Take solace in knowing that the more you do it the easier it gets. We all have blind spots and when they show up, we have a responsibility to address them and do our best to repair things. After the apology, things may feel a little awkward. I would encourage you to engage in things like physical touch or intimacy, doing something you enjoy together, discussing other positive topics, and using kind words and gentle feedback.
Your relationship will thank you.