By: Kelsey Wooten, LPC
TW: eating disorders, abuse, addiction
I recently discovered how wonderful audiobooks are. I can listen while I do chores, go for a walk, or on my drive to work. On a whim I decided to listen to “I’m Glad My Mom Died” by Jennette McCurdy after hearing an interview about it. McCurdy herself narrates it, which gives a personal touch to her difficult journey as a young person. I found myself laughing at unfunny things because of her use of sarcasm, dark humor, and unflinching honesty.
McCurdy lays out how she lived with her mother, father, two brothers, and grandparents in a house full of things, to the point that the children slept on roll up mats on the floor because the bedrooms were too full of stuff. Her parents often fought (or became violent) before her dad would be kicked out and spend spans of time away. This of course impacted how close she was to him. During all of this McCurdy would try to fix things or keep them from happening when she could sense tension rising. McCurdy was raised Mormon and church was a reprieve from her home life when she was young, and when her OCD began she thought it was the holy spirit speaking to her.
McCurdy always said that her mom was her best friend. Always doing things to keep her mom calm and happy. Her mother had a dream of being an actor herself, but was never able to achieve it. So McCurdy worked to fulfill her mother’s dream herself. Going on enough auditions, and eventually landing iCarly, that she started being homeschooled by her mother. McCurdy tells of how unhappy she was with acting and tolerating the makeovers her mom would force on her – bonding over beauty and secret “calorie restriction” (anorexia) to keep her from hitting puberty and losing the ‘child’ roles. McCurdy’s anorexia eventually turned to bulimia. She gives the raw account of her thoughts, feelings, actions, and consequences of it. You are right there with her as she uses food and alcohol to cope.
The gift McCurdy gives us is the honest, ugly side of healing. How she knew she needed help for some time before she finally got into therapy. She found out what it’s like to unravel the stories we tell ourselves to survive and what happens when we ignore the hard feelings. Realizing that her mother was a narcissist and abusive shattered her world. McCurdy shows us what it is to relapse again and again and to struggle. To start again. McCurdy tells us how damn hard it is to heal and that it’s worth it. I applaud her for fighting for her life even when she couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Her story can validate so many others who have had mentally ill parents who did harm.
If you or someone you know is struggling with family dysfunction, eating disorders or addiction the counselors at Sonder are here to help. Call or email today!