By: Kelsey Wooten, LPC
Abuse or intimate partner violence is about gaining and keeping power and control over a person. It can happen to anyone regardless of race, religion, sexuality, class, age, and gender. Abuse can be physical, psychological, sexual and/or economic. While most people are aware that physical abuse occurs, there are different forms of violence.
Physical abuse is things like hitting, kicking, punching, shoving, ect. It is also throwing objects, locking someone out, disrupting eating and sleeping habits purposefully, or withholding help. This is usually the most obvious sign of abuse.
Psychological abuse is harder to identify and it can look like not following through on agreements or responsibilities, verbal attacks, playing mind games, gaslighting, stalking, harassing, and threatening.
Sexual abuse is using degrading names, withholding sex as punishment, manipulation, corrosion, threats, and using physical force.
Economic abuse is controlling all the money, sabotaging attempts to go to work or school, not allowing the other person to work, refusal to work or ruining a person’s credit score. An abuser can also use pets and children to harm or control their victims.
Below is the power and control wheel, which shows all the difference forms of violence, and examples of each.
Intimate partner violence happens in a cycle, which makes it hard to predict – like you’re on a rollercoaster. There are times when things are good (usually after an incident of violence), which feels confusing. The person on the receiving end of the abuse may start to question themselves and/or be gaslit about what has occurred and/or make excuses for the behavior.
“Was it really that bad?”
“They said they were sorry and it won’t happen again”
“we love each other”
“They were going through a hard time”
“Things are getting better, I shouldn’t hold onto it”
“I caused it by …..”
Eventually an incident will happen and the cycle starts over. Below is the cycle of abuse.
Why don’t they just leave?
Contrary to popular belief, leaving an abusive relationship isn’t that easy. Especially the longer and more involved the relationship is. The following are few reasons a survivor has to consider before leaving:
– Retaliation: if they leave, the abuser may come after them. Often the abusive behavior will escalate in order to regain control. It may be safer for them to stay.
– Physical safety for adults, children and pets. Violence can occur staying or leaving. DFS can get involved.
– Housing: Does the survivor have somewhere else to go that is safe? Or is there current home all they have
– Financial / job: Does the survivor have money or a job? If they leave will their abuser sabotage their job / income?
– Damage to possessions: You can’t take everything with you if you leave quickly. Will they be damaged or threatened in retaliation? They can be damaged if they stay.
– Support system: Often someone who experiences abuse is isolated. Over time they can lose support from friends and family. Will they be able to count on them if they wanted to leave? They could also lose support for leaving depending on cultural and religious beliefs.
– Substance use: A survivor can use substances to cope with the situation or be forced/encouraged to use by the abuser.
****Remember that abuse is never your fault****
How can you support someone who is in an abusive relationship?
– Listen without judgement. It is easy to say what you should/shouldn’t do when you’re not in it.
– Believe them.
– Don’t pressure them to leave. On average it takes someone 7 attempts before they leave an abusive relationship
– Stay in contact. Isolation is a tactic of control.
– Help them create a safety plan when they are ready.
Resources
St. Louis:
Safe Connections 24/7 Crsis Hotline – 314.531.2003 or https://safeconnections.org
ALVE (Alternatives to Living in Violent Environments) – 314-993-2777 or www.alivestl.org
Nationally:
YWCA Designated Sexual Assault Hotline – 314-531-7273 or www.ywcastl.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline – 800-799-7233 or https://www.thehotline.org/
RAINN Hotline – 800-656-4673 or https://www.rainn.org/
If you want to learn more information about abuse or sexual assault visit https://www.mocadsv.org/ for education, support and resources
If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship having a counselor can help support and process thoughts/feelings around the situation. Reach out today to schedule.