By: Annette Jansen, MA, PLPC
Parenting is easy – said no one EVER! Parenting comes with many challenges including temper tantrums, being able to financially provide, time management, discipline, competing with electronics, education, work/family balance, meal planning, and proper nutrition, juggling extracurricular activities and sports, and the list goes on. Parenting a Neurodivergent child is all of that plus so much more. The additional things to monitor and manage can feel overwhelming and endless, and the unpredictability of behaviors and life events can lead to feelings of failure, defeat, and isolation.
Parenting in the best of circumstances is often challenging. Even neurotypical children have difficulty self-regulating. However, children with Autism Spectrum, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or Conduct Disorder, just to name a few, are truly at a different level of challenge for parents. The stress and sometimes trauma of parenting children with neurodiversities can impact all areas of a parent’s well being – emotional, cognitive, physical, spiritual, and social health…not to mention the impact on the family as a whole
While all parents may feel inadequate, ashamed, and guilty at times, neurodivergent parents may often feel these feelings more intensely. The side stares from people at the store when a 12-year-old falls to the floor kicking and screaming from overstimulation of noise or light, or the family who misses Christmas because their 4 year old refuses to wear clothes, or the 6-year-old who wanders away from his home in the middle of the night and is found just seconds from jumping into a body of water on a neighbor’s property. The constant planning for the unpredictable, the adjusting of schedules to the disappointment and aggravation of others, and the repair of the child, self, and family during the aftermath is exhausting and stressful.
The biggest gift a parent of any kind can give themselves is self-compassion. But how is self-compassion found? One of the best strategies for implementing self-compassion is “don’t try to change the way you feel”. Sit with your feelings, and accept the feelings of inadequacy, shame, isolation, and guilt. Most of us find it uncomfortable to feel pain, so we do everything in our power to avoid feeling a certain way. We try harder to fix what we think is wrong, instead of acknowledging what we are going through is HARD. Acknowledging and accepting our pain requires self-compassion.
Finding self-compassion (showing kindness to self) is especially difficult when feelings of helplessness creep in for someone else’s pain that we love and feel responsible for. When every aspect of parenting a neurodivergent child-like
dressing, feeding, bathing, and sleeping becomes a potential struggle or fight, and the parent is met with rejection from the child, it is impossible to not feel anger, failure, frustration, and disappointment, not only towards the child but towards oneself. Going down the rabbit hole of judgment, and self-criticism is inevitable…unless self-compassion is utilized. Self-compassion does not require you to find the silver lining, nor does it require you to sit in self-pity…it merely means to honor the feelings set forth by circumstances out of one’s control, without self-judgment.
To achieve self-compassion, ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?”. If you can not identify the emotional feeling, ask yourself questions about your physical symptoms. “Is my heart beating faster?”, “Am I crying?” “Do I feel like hitting something?” “Am I shaking? “Is my stomach hurting?”. Sometimes identifying the feeling may be easier to do after a calmness has returned. Journal your thoughts and feelings. Avoid things like “I could have…” and “I should have…” statements. Acknowledge that this was HARD. Acknowledge Humanness, acknowledge the feelings that erupted are natural responses to difficult circumstances and acknowledge that feelings do not equal reactions. Think of it as an opportunity to collect data on your feelings and senses, free from all evaluation and judgment.
Once you achieve self-compassion, it’s time to grow and expand. Do the same when you are having positive moments, as you may become aware that there are more positive experiences than you had once thought. When do things feel lighter or show improvement? How do you experience happiness, calmness, and hope?
In closing, find support. Find friendship and strength from other neurodivergent parents. Find supportive listening and a pathway to self-understanding and self-awareness with one of our amazing clinicians at Sonder-Counseling. We are here and happy to help!