by: Kelsey Wooten, LPC
People come to counseling for many of life’s problems – relationship troubles being one of them. Often, a person will tell a story in session about an argument or situation that occurred, and we have to stop and discuss what abuse is.
What is abuse?
Abuse or intimate partner violence is about gaining and keeping power and control over a person. It is never the victims fault. It can happen to anyone regardless of race, religion, sexuality, class, age and gender. Abuse can be physical, psychological, sexual and/or economic. Physical abuse is things like hitting, kicking, punching, shoving, ect. It is also throwing objects, locking someone out, disrupting eating and sleeping habits purposefully, or withholding help. This is usually the most obvious sign of abuse. Psychological abuse is harder to identify and it can look like not following through on agreements or responsibilities, verbal attacks, playing mind games, gaslighting, stalking, harassing, and threatening. Sexual abuse is using degrading names, withholding sex as punishment, manipulation, corrosion, threats, and using physical force. Last, economic abuse is controlling all the money, sabotaging attempts to go to work or school, not allowing the other person to work, refusal to work or ruining a person’s credit score (Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence). An abuser can also use pets and children to harm or control their victims.
At first, there may be disbelieve that what they are experiencing is abuse. How could the person they love do this to them? Intimate partner violence follows a pattern. Tension building, an incident (harm occurs), reconciliation (apology or grand gesture is made), and then a calm or honeymoon state. (https://www.makinwellness.com/cycle-of-abuse). Once the apology or grand gesture is made, the victim may believe or want to believe that it won’t happen again, which may prevent them from leaving. This cycle of abuse can feel more like a rollercoaster; it is unpredictable, which makes abuse harder to recognize. The longer the abuse lasts the harder it is to leave, because it wears down the victim. They may start to believe they caused the harm or they deserved it.
Abuse is a slow burn. The start of the relationship is amazing and then slowly, over time, they make hurtful comments, boundaries are violated, harm occurs and/or the victim becomes isolated. Often one of the first questions a loved one asks is why don’t they just leave? The answer – it’s complicated. The person experiencing the violence has to weigh safety concerns of what may happen if/when they try to leave, financial implications, having to change of housing/school districts, risk to children or pets and loss of support (Missouri Coalition Against Domestic Violence).
How can I help?
How do you help someone who is experiencing abuse? First, believe them! It takes a lot to share what is happening. Often a person who is experiencing intimate partner violence feels shame, embarrassment, and fear of what may happen if they tell. Second, don’t judge them and offer support. It takes an average of 7 times for someone to leave an abusive relationship (https://www.womenagainstabuse.org). During this time, loved ones distance themselves because they become frustrated. However, once a victim is isolated, it makes it much harder to leave. You can help them create a safety plan for leaving or what to do when violence occurs. *Remember abuse is never the victim’s fault.*
If you or someone you know is experiencing intimate partner violence and is in crisis there are resources in the St. Louis area:
National Domestic Violence Hotline – 800-799-7233 or https://www.thehotline.org/
Safe Connections 24/7 Crsis Hotline – 314.531.2003 or https://safeconnections.org
ALVE (Alternatives to Living in Violent Environments) – 314-993-2777 or www.alivestl.org
YWCA Designated Sexual Assault Hotline – 314-531-7273 or www.ywcastl.org