By: Kelsey Wooten, LPC
Thanksgiving and other winter holidays give us an opportunity to spend time family and friends, some we only see once or twice a year. Some families get along with very little conflict, others’ can produce anxiety, avoidance, or an outright yelling match. If you are in the latter group make a game plan of how you’re going to take care of yourself before, during and after your next gathering.
Before
In the days leading up to your family event think about what your capacity for family time is. Identify possible triggers or stressors that could occur, then make a game plan.
For example:
– Decide what time you will get there and what time you will leave. If you are traveling with your partner or other family before to communicate this ahead of time
– Identify your travel needs. Do you need your own space or are you okay sharing a bed or room? Do you need to drive separate so that you can come early/late or leave once your social battery is drained.
– if you are sober plan to bring your own beverage
– If you have food allergies or dietary needs do you need to bring your own food or check in with the host to see what will be available
– Come up with a code word/phrase/signal that means “its time to go’
– Identify coping skills that could be used and put it in your notes app on your phone
– Do you need to set your boundaries ahead of time and have talking points prepared (I personally love the book “Set Boundaries Find Peace” or ‘Family Drama” by Nedra Glover Tawwab)
During
– Hold your boundaries by being firm yet gentle (i.e “I don’t feel comfortable discussing ____ or we need to leave at 7 in order to keep our bedtime routine)
– Disengage with those trying to start conflict
– Listen to understand rather than to respond
– Propose neutral topics
– Ask others about themselves
– Focus on what you can control
– Pay attention to children that may be around
After
Decompress in a healthy way after spending time with family
– Call or spend time with those you enjoy
– Listen to music or watch a movie
– Go for a walk
– Discuss how you feel things went with a trusted person (partner, sibling, parent, ect)
– Find books, podcasts, ect. about family dynamics, codependency, or healthy communication
– Take inventory of how things went to help prepare you for the next family gathering
– Realize you can’t change anyone and that someone will only change if/when they are ready to
– Make a therapy appointment
All of the stress that comes with the holiday season can be downright overwhelming. If you need extra support and an ear to listen Sonder is currently taking new clients. Call or email today to schedule!