By: Dani Herja, MS, LPC
They/Them/Theirs
Happy Belated National Non-Binary Day
Let’s consider everyone.
How comforting is having two choices? Left or right? Good or bad? Popeyes or Chik-fil-a (That last one was not a choice—The answer is never Chik-fil-a). Two choices is comforting because the person asking the question already seems to have vouched for the options; the anxiety is somewhat diminished. The two-choice technique seems to work for most people and is a strategy for helping establish boundaries in children while empowering them to make decisions. All this to say, having two choices or binaries work for most people. Black and white thinking is comfortable for many people as it provides a sense of certainty, but does very little for people living in the gray.
I am deep in the gray as I live far outside of one of the most common binaries society has constructed- gender. My gender is literally called non-binary. Gender has traditionally been described as a dichotomy-boy or girl, man or woman (depending on age). I have known since I was 3 that girl or boy was not correct when describing myself. I did not simply “grow out of it” like many “tomboys” did. It was an uncomfortable 23 years until I discovered my vocabulary.
Cis Nonsense Starting Early
I’m not sure I can overstate how much our society is steeped in the gender binary. A doctor states what genitals you have as a baby and parents will make decisions on how to raise that child based on genitals alone. Congratulations, here’s a bow way too big for your tiny head or a onesie adorned with various farm or sports equipment. From there, go ahead and line up in preschool, boys on this side, girls on that side. We are learning grammar in school now—it is improper to say they, so he or she. Extrapolate this process until the end of time.
So, you have a baby and the doctor determined that based on the baby’s sex that your baby is a girl. However, we have already fallen into a trap— conflating gender with sex. The baby’s sex is what is in their diaper, whereas gender is what is in their head. Because gender is a construct or an identity, a baby cannot tell you what gender they are. You can use whatever pronouns you would like, they will not get offended, because they have no concept of gender.
Most people are inclined to agree with the doctor. They were born with a vagina and they identify as a girl and later a woman. They did not have to think about the gender binary as it suited them. These people are called cisgender and because they make up most of the population, we all live with intense cisnormativity. Cisnormativity is assuming someone would be fine with people called man or woman depending on their gender expression. It’s embedded in most languages. It’s hearing sir or ma’am when people are trying to be polite. It’s gendering deodorant, art supplies, food, earplugs, and toys (I’d like to note, none of those are exaggerations).
Who does the cisnormativity hurt?
Yes, non-binary folk are -harmed by cisnormativity. Most of the time, I feel like there’s not a place for me in most spaces because of language choices that are traditionally utilized. Honestly, when someone says, “Ladies and gentleman” to try to get an audience’s attention, I just assume I should leave as that statement excludes me. When gendered choices are being made in someone’s communication, it’s a signal to non-binary people that we are not welcome.
It’s not just us non-binary folk who are being harmed by cisnormativity. Men are told that they are not supposed to hug or cuddle their friends. Women are told that they are supposed to have a family as if that was their only goal. Stereotypes and binaries force all of us to be in a box.
Wanna help?
So, if you are cis and don’t like being jammed into a box, my suggestion would be for you to help others not be jammed into a box. There are a couple of quick fixes that may take practice but they will ultimately show people of all genders that you are a safe person to be around.
1.) Adding your pronouns to an email signature is a signal that you are an ally and would be willing to use someone’s correct pronouns. This looks like
Shania Twain
Forgotten Country Legend
She/Her
PleaseSpotifyforthose@
2.) When you introduce yourself to someone new, you can say the pronouns you use even if you feel it should be obvious to the other person what gender you are. This looks like
“Hey, I’m Shania and I use she/her pronouns. What do you use?”
Oh, that does impress me much. This seems pretty small, right? However, if I hear this from a cis person or a binary trans person, I immediately feel safer.
3.) You can use they/them pronouns for someone you do not know personally until you are corrected by that person. This looks like:
“Hello, (a small child’s name whom you are currently responsible for), please say excuse me to that person; you almost ran them over.”
If I heard this in a grocery store, I think I would find it very difficult to not high-five or hug the person whose language was this inclusive. I, of course, being a mature adult would restrain myself and just thank them.
4.) Just believe the person. If the person says they are non-binary, trans, or cis, just believe them. They know themselves better than you. Even if you have seen that person in a dress, even if you have seen them do a stereotypically gendered activity, they are still whatever gender they say they are. Non-binary people are still people and succumb to gender norms to try to fit in. Some non-binary people like to dress in whatever feels right or clean at the time. No matter what they are wearing or however they are expressing their gender at the moment, if they tell you their pronouns, use them. If it helps, practice using their pronouns in hypothetical situations in your brain or with someone else.
If they tell you their name, and you are like, “I’m pretty sure that name is an obscure 18th Century English lit reference”, please let it slide (I have a theory that the more hated their dead name is, the more obscure their chosen name is, but that’s neither here nor there). Please just respect the name and pronouns that person has given you.
Please celebrate with us by acknowledging our existence
To sum up, I would like to recommend thinking a little more gray, because black and white thinking often ignores an assortment of other colors. Using non-gendered language helps everyone feel included. Using a person’s correct name and pronouns is suicide prevention.
Happy Non-binary week y’all/ folks/ people/ humans. Go forth and ungender something.