By: James Ahearn, JD, LPC, NCC
There’s a tension most of us carry: the harsh belief that if we just try hard enough, think clearly enough, or plan thoroughly enough, we can control what happens next and dodge the discomfort of that perceived outcome. Control promises certainty. It tells us that if we do everything “right,” the outcome will follow.
But life doesn’t operate on that contract, a sad and painful truth.
What we actually have is far less control, but we aren’t empty handed, for we hold far more influence than we tend to admit.
The Nature of Control
Control is rigid. It requires a specific outcome.
It sounds like:
- “This conversation needs to go this way.”
- “They should respond like this.”
- “If I do X, then Y must happen.”
Control is outcome-dependent. It attaches your sense of stability to something that, by definition, exists outside of you: a world filled with people, timing, circumstances, and chance.
This is where anxiety thrives.
Because when control is your goal, anything unpredictable becomes a threat. The world feels volatile. Other people feel like variables to manage. And when outcomes don’t align, which, honestly, they often won’t, it can create frustration, helplessness, or self-blame.
The Nature of Influence
Influence operates differently.
It’s flexible. It’s relational. It’s process-oriented.
Influence says:
- “I can show up clearly and honestly.”
- “I can communicate what matters to me.”
- “I can create conditions that increase the likelihood of a desired outcome.”
But it also accepts something essential:
The outcome is not fully yours to determine.
Influence doesn’t demand; it invites. It nudges. It shapes. It “teases” movement in a direction without insisting on arrival.
And paradoxically, this is where real agency lives.
Why the Distinction Matters for Anxiety
When we operate from a control mindset, we are constantly scanning for threats to the outcome. What if they misunderstand me? What if this doesn’t work? What if I lose something important?
Your nervous system stays activated because the stakes feel absolute.
But when you shift to influence, something changes:
- The pressure softens.
- The focus moves inward—toward your effort, your presence, your choices.
- The external world becomes less of something to manage and more of something to engage with.
This doesn’t mean you stop caring about outcomes. It means you stop tying your internal stability to them.
And that shift alone can significantly reduce anxiety.
A Practical Reframe
Instead of asking:
- “How do I make this go the way I want?”
Try asking:
- “How do I want to show up in this?”
- “What is within my control right now?”
- “What would it look like to influence this situation well, regardless of outcome?”
This moves you from a posture of force to a posture of intention.
Where This Shows Up in Daily Life
- Relationships: You can’t control how someone responds, but you can influence the tone, clarity, and honesty of the interaction. You can share the need directly. Express how you felt. Share what the boundary looks like.
- Work: You can’t control every decision or outcome, but you can influence your preparation, communication, and consistency.
- Parenting: You can’t control your child’s emotions or choices, but you can influence their environment, modeling, and support. Wanting your child to want something for themselves is the ultimate frustration of parenting.
- Mental health: You can’t control every thought or feeling, but you can influence how you relate to them.
Letting Go Without Giving Up
Shifting from control to influence is not resignation. It’s not passivity. It’s a recalibration of where your power actually lives.
Control says: “I need the world to cooperate.”
Influence says: “I will engage the world skillfully, even when it doesn’t.”
And in that shift, something steadies.
You begin to trust that your role is not to guarantee outcomes, but to participate in them with clarity, flexibility, and intention.
That’s not less powerful.
It’s just more honest.