By: Kelsey Wooten, LPC
Have you ever gone to lunch or got coffee with someone, hoping to catch up, and end up listening to a never ending monologue of the other person’s problems? You finished your drink or meal long ago and theirs left untouched and cold. Or you leave feeling worse than you did at the beginning and never got a word in the whole time.
Does it seem to be a pattern or are you starting to dread spending time with them?
Are you starting to feel resentment?
Then you my friend are getting emotionally dumped on.
What is it?
Emotional dumping (also known as trauma dumping) is exactly like its name. A friend or coworker comes to you and tells you everything that is bothering them or has happened to them in the past. You feel stuck and can’t seem to find a way to voice your feelings/feedback or how to end the conversation.
What it looks like: venting vs dumping
Venting – short term, over a single topic, discuss emotions or problem solve, allows for reflection, is a more active conversation
Dumping – can last long periods of time, can feel one sided and overwhelming to the receiver, only focused on their experience, not looking for problem solving or reflection
How to address
If you are the receiver:
– Set shorter hangouts or spend less time together
– Vocalize if you are feeling overwhelmed/anxious or need a break “Hey could we take a break for a minute” or “I’m gonna step outside / go the bathroom / make a call”
– Set a boundary “Hey I know this topic or issue is important to you but it just isn’t something I have the space for today”
– Encourage them to seek outside help “wow that sounds like a lot. It might be a good idea to seek professional help for that”
– Reflect empathy “it sounds like you’re having a really hard time with ____.”
– Interrupt them and say “it was really nice talking to you but I need to get back to work” AND WALK AWAY
If you are the dumper:
– Notice how the other person looks when you are talking. Does it seem like their eyes have glazed over, or they look uncomfortable?
– Are you open to feedback or looking for problem solving or are you only interested in getting it off your chest?
– Do you find that you can’t seem to hold down friendships or relationships?
– Remember that conversation is like playing catch. Both parties should get the chance to weigh in, discuss a topic or talk about themselves.
It can be hard to navigate emotional dumping if someone you love is doing it to you. You want to help or hear them out, but it is becoming draining to you and/or you are starting to feel resentful. You deserve just as much from a relationship as you are putting into it. If you are not feeling supported in your relationship I encourage you to talk about it with them. If they don’t take it well, it may hurt, but you will know where they stand and it gives you information on how to move forward with the relationship.
If you or someone you know is having a hard time with managing their emotions or struggling socially Sonder Counseling is now accepting new clients! Call or email today