By: Deborah Tannen Baum, LCSW
No member of a crew is praised for the rugged individuality of his rowing.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Rugged individualism has been associated with American culture since President Herbert Hoover coined the term almost a century ago. It’s rooted in the belief that we are totally self-reliant and can succeed on our own without assistance from others. During times of adversity, we are often advised to “pull ourselves up by the bootstraps”, as if seeking support is a sign of weakness.
Today Hoover is remembered as one of the ten worst presidents according to U.S. news. He was widely viewed as callous and unfeeling towards the plight of millions of American citizens during the Great Depression.
I don’t mean to downplay the importance of self-reliance. We all need to depend on our strengths and abilities in order to get by in life. But too often, we ignore our basic need for healthy, supportive relationships. And it is indeed a basic need.
According to British psychoanalyst John Bowlby (1907-1990), humans are biologically wired to form attachments to their caregivers in order to survive. If a human infant does not receive nurturing and physical affection from a loving caregiver, s/he will stop growing and in some cases will die. At the beginning of the 20th century, infants placed in orphanages in the US and UK were fed and clothed but not held, cuddled, or rocked. The mortality rates among these infants were in some cases, close to 100%. Those who did survive developed severe cognitive, behavioral, and psychological disorders. Further studies have shown that children raised in a nurturing environment fare better in terms of their physical health, cognitive abilities, and social skills.
And just as our children need love and support, we as adults have the same needs. Since prehistoric times, our brains have evolved to ensure our survival. Between wild animals on the loose and enemy tribes who might kill us, the world was a dangerous place. Our primitive ancestors banded together in groups because there was safety in numbers and a lone hunter-gatherer was likely to soon become a dead one. The world may have changed since then, but our brains are still programmed for attachment. Put simply, we need other people in order to live healthy lives.
But we tend to minimize this need. In a society that promotes independence, competition, and free enterprise, we interact less and less with one another. Workers are logging in more hours than ever before, and people are being replaced with computers and modems. And of course, the global pandemic added a whole new layer to social isolation.
So what can we do?
- First of all, we need to commit to the people in our lives – our partners, our families, our friends. Take the time to answer phone calls, return emails, and reciprocate invitations even if you have to do it virtually. Let people know that you care.
- Share a meal with someone important to you. Put the cell phone away and focus on the person in front of you. Be curious about what they are thinking and feeling. Ask thoughtful, open-ended questions and really listen to their answers. And remember: eating dinner in front of the TV with your spouse is not an interactive process. It does not encourage closeness and mutual understanding.
- Make time for recreational activities, either in person or online. Schedule a coffee date or a happy hour with a friend. Host a virtual game night. Invite people to join an online discussion group or book club. Read a bedtime story to your grandchildren. Remember that people need you as much as you need them.
- Invite a friend to join you for a walk and chat. And as long as you’re outside, pull up a lawn chair and chat with your neighbors. Smile and say hello to at least ten people every week. Most people are starving for connections and will appreciate a friendly gesture. And you will feel better too.
- Consider volunteering for a cause that you care about. Community agencies need volunteers to outreach people who are alone and can benefit from your support.
Don’t forget that you may need support as well. It’s okay to admit that you can’t handle everything by yourself. Contrary to the myth of the “strong silent type”, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. If anything, it’s a sign that you are normal. It just means that your brain is doing what it was programmed to do – keeping you healthy and safe.